Dewey and I are still here

We had our first midwife appointment on Friday and everything was just as it should be. My iron, which was a problem last pregnancy, was actually really good considering my diet has consisted of 50% bagels and cream cheese lately. Emotionally I'm doing a little better now that I've heard the heartbeat and know that Dewey is still with us, a fact that I do not take for granted.

 I've also realized that many of my negative emotions really don't have anything to do with the baby but are more grief related issues that are just being brought to the surface because of the pregnancy, both situationally and hormonally. Acknowledging that has allowed me to feel those negative emotions without the guilt. I hate being sad about occasions that are supposed to be joyful but I can hardly even think about the actual birth because I know my mom won't be there and I always assumed she would be. Or calling everyone but her to tell them he/she is born when I remember how she was waiting and waiting and as soon as she heard Lucy was Lucy, she rushed out to buy as many pink things as she could find. But I have time, to get used to the idea and to go through more of the grief process that I know has to happen.

It is odd to think that is has only been a little more than 3 months since my mom passed away. It seems so much longer. Not in a "time heals all wounds" sort of way. It's more like I miss her so much and so many things have happened that I want to talk to her about but can't that it is hard to think about how I'm supposed to make it through the next 3, 13 or even 30 years without her. And my hormones are already such that a diaper commercial can make me cry (and I don't even like disposables!) so what chance do I have when I think about real hard stuff. At least if I start crying at the grocery store, I can just tell the cashier I'm pregnant and hopefully she won't think I'm that weird.

*Yes, we went with the poll results. That was my favorite too!