The expected happens

My mom passed away Saturday morning. From my experience and knowledge of cancer and death, I had several fears but in the end, her death was peaceful. My family was all at home with her and I've very thankful for the hospice care that allowed that to happen.

 We knew on Friday we were getting close to the end. Lucy had been sick and feverish so Craig and I had been keeping her and her vomit upstairs most of the day but that night she wasn't sleeping well and just wanted to be sprawled over my chest so, I took her down and we all spent the evening with my mom. We watched a movie while my mom slept. Then I took Lucy up to bed while my aunt, brother and dad spent the night taking turns watching over my mom. My dad got me early in the morning so I could say my last goodbye. Ben was holding her hand and I had my arm around her and my head on her pillow next to hers when she took her last breathe.

Compared to how frantic everything seemed last fall when she had her first bad spell, things were very calm and quiet and slow. Hospice came and the chaplain that we had been working with us said a prayer and we all sang a hymn. I didn't feel rushed to say goodbye or to hurry through things. It was hard to be thankful this Thanksgiving but that is one of the things I am most thankful for.

The time was good for Lucy too. I've explained to her the best way I knew how. She is at a really hard age in that she understands and communicates just enough to need an explaination but not enough to understand. But I told her that Bubbie's outside, her body, wasn't working anymore so it was going away but her insides were up with Jesus. When she heard "Jesus", she got excited and starting signing about Baby Jesus and the angel and the book (she loves this book we've been reading about Christmas) and I told her that it was the same Jesus. She also seems interested when people are sad or crying so I told her that it was okay to be sad and cry because we miss Bubbie or we want to give her a hug but can't. Then we gave Bubbie one last big hug. It hadn't been long so my mom didn't seem much different that the previous days to Lucy. Since then, she's had a few moments of confusion. She kept signing Bubbie when they came to take the hospital bed away and she threw a fit when she wanted to find Bubbie and give her a hug but I reminded her of what I had said before and how we had given her a hug earlier and after a few repetitions, she seemed to understand and let it go - for now. Her relationship with my mom was very real so even though she doesn't understand everything, I know she will grieve in her own way and her own time. It will just take her a while to realize what losing Bubbie really means.

Frankly, I think it is going to take me a while to completely realize what losing my mom means.  In a way, I've been preparing for this for 18 months but now that it has happened, I don't think I quite belive it. Last night we were all in the living room together and with the bed and medical supplies gone, it looked like our normal living room. I kept thinking my mom was just going to walk in any minute with a bowl of popcorn and a tray of tea. Oh, how I wish she could.