My mommy you'll be

Those of you who are friends with me in real life or who are following my dad's writings on my mom's caring bridge page will know that my mom has recently begun her final time of rest before she leaves this world.

I haven't talked a lot about her illness on this blog. I've written several posts and left them in drafts and have written over a dozen posts in my head but sometimes it seems like living it is taking all the strength I have and I don't have any left to write about it. But I also hate that because this blog chronicles our lives and I don't want it too seem like my life lately has been taking pictures of Lucy playing or remodeling our kitchen. Those things are in my life but they are secondary and good for a distraction but my focus has been spending time with my family and my mother. I want the world the know who she is but I know I can't do justice to her and I don't even know how to try. But I do want to share a bit now (well, I think I do, I'm still not sure if I will post this or not. If I do, I won't go back and edit it so forgive my spelling or grammer errors.)

I recently remembered a story she told me a couple times about how she found out she was pregnant with me.  She thought she might be pregnant but tests were expensive and they were young and didn't have a lot of money. And at the time they were back visiting her parents for a little while before moving to Germany so they couldn't go to the army hospital like she normally would. So she decided to go to planned parenthood for their free pregnancy tests. She went and got a postive (you knew that was coming, right :-) but then got confused as they started talking to her about her schedule and when she should come back. Finally it dawned on her that they thought she wanted an abortion. She got upset and went on a rant about how she was excited about this, how she and her husband (that would be my dad :-) wanted this baby! Even 20 years later when she would tell me that story, I could see her get upset at the thought of them assuming she would even think about having an abortion.

You might be thinking that is a really odd story to be telling right now. Don't worry, I'm not about to twist that into a "I was almost aborted" story. I wasn't. Nor am I really telling if for any pro-life cause. Because what that story means to me is just that from the very moment my mother knew of my existance, she loved me and her first thought was to protect me.

Now, flash forwards ~27 years. When I arrived Sunday night, she hadn't woken up for over 24 hours. She was resting in peace and comfort but unresponsive and I didn't know if I would be able to really say goodbye. But this morning, she "woke up" a bit. Barely, but we could see her one eye open a bit and move around towards us. So we all sat and talked to her but I still wasn't sure if she was awake, could hear us or knew we were there. Then I lay me head down on the pillow and started to cry. And she started to cry too and squeezed me hand. Because all these years later, I'm still her baby and I know that she loves me and wants to protect me.

She's my mentor, my role model, my confidante, my friend. But foremost, she's my mother mama.

I'll close with a line that anyone who has ever read and cried over this book will remember. Now that I've been both a daughter and a mother, I understand how true it is and if I had to tell you what I think that hand squeeze and those tears were meant to convey, this would be the sentiment:

I'll love you forever,

 I'll like you for always, 

as long as I'm living

 my baby you'll be

and if I could only say one thing back to her, I would choose the same response:

I'll love you forever,

 I'll like you for always,

 as long as I'm living

 my Mommy you'll be.