Peace

I wrote this post about a month before Jonah was born but held off on posting it because I was afraid it would seem too negative and that wasn't really my intent. But at the point in time, I knew I had to trust what I knew over what I felt.  Jonah is 8 weeks old today and I can say that I was right, God did provide. This has definitely not been the easiest 8 weeks of my life, but it has been a very peaceful 8 weeks and I wouldn't change it for a million cups of tea.

I'm very much a homebody. Going out, especially to very busy people filled places, just wears me out. This is true all the time, but even more so when I'm pregnant.  Yet, I'm definitely classify myself as more of a martha than a mary. I like to be busy, to do, to create. Then I repent and try to become a Mary and get frustrated with myself because I just can't seem to get the hang of sitting down in the afternoon with a cup of tea and my bible...of course, that isn't exactly what Mary did either, but its the Mary of my head, you see.

I forget that Martha wasn't sinning because she was filling up someone's water or because she wanted to make sure the toilet wasn't gross before someone came over any more than Mary's "better" was sitting in a calm peaceful front porch in front of a field of flowers while enjoying tea from her beautiful vintage cup - found for a very reasonable price at a thrift store of course. Mary's "better" was "better" because she was striving for the best, she placed her relationship with Jesus at the top of her to-do.

Right now, life is good. Most days, I feel like I can handle what I've got and that we are almost at the point where I could at least hypotheticaly get to that tea on the front porch vision I have of what it means to live a "peaceful life." And I sigh a sigh of relief. And then reality hits me and I realize shortly I will have a newborn and our whole family will change and - gasp - what have I done!

Because unlike last time, I know what I'm getting into. Newborns are hard. They are cute and cuddly and loveable and overall wonderful blessings from God. But they are hard. And they come with messes and noise and they take away free time and the ability to shower consistently. And honestly, if my goal of peace is that front porch, I'm only getting farther away from it with every child we add to our family.

But that isn't my goal. My goal has to be Jesus. I want to do His will, I want to receive His blessings, but mostly I want Him. And having a baby will bring me closer to Him because 1) it's accepting another blessing from him and 2) it's another reminder that I can't do it all, I can't be everywhere, I have to trust. I have to lean on Him. And he'll bring the peace, I know he will.

 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 14:27