I want my inheritance!

I just wrote a comment about how I don't feel guilty, only convicted. Well, I lied.

Not intentionally, but in writing that, I was referring to food/nutrition situations. And in that case it is true. I realize that for the most part, what I eat isn't a sin issue. And if I come to the conclusion that something needs to change, I can understand how it doesn't matter how much I think about the past, I can't change it. I just move forward, making changes as I can.

But when it comes to my faith walk, I am not very good about differentiating between guilt and conviction at all. And I need to be because one is good and the other is not. In theory I know the difference. I can even describe it for you.

Guilt that leads to condemnation is depressing. It brings you down. It's past-focused. It's also sinful because it's self-centered. I'm not thinking about how God took away my sin or has the ability to "renew a right spirit within me." but instead have started focusing on what I did wrong or how I messed up or worse - how I appear to others. For that to logically hold water it has to start from the idea that I could have done anything better. As a Christian, the fact that I continually fail at living out God's perfect will should not be shocking or depressing. It should be obvious. I should know that apart from God, I never stood a chance. But if I only feel guilty over my own self's lack of goodness, I must have been thinking there was something good in there to begin with. Guilt is focused on the sin (what I did) and not the forgiveness (what God did) and it doesn't lead to any changes.

Conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit, it brings to light areas that I still need to let God have control over, to let him into them so he can mold me into his image. It's honest sorrow over sin and it opens me up to ask God to restore me and to use me to glorify Him. That type of guilt, what I call conviction, is God-focused and God-glorifying. It comes from the idea that yes, I failed at ____ because I am human and sinful. It doesn't excuse it, it doesn't mean that it's not a big deal. It just means that it has to be God that fixes it. And until he does, I can boast in His glory and my weakness. God's power is made perfect in my weakness. I'm not perfect, but He loves me. I mess up, but He forgives.

Most people would say they don't like feeling guilty and on the surface I don't either. Except for the part of me that does. It means I can go on doing what I am doing without actually having to change, but I can still feel like I'm a good person because "at least I feel guilty." I don't even like to admit that to myself but it is true. Guilt is hard to give up, so I cling to it even knowing that is is dragging me down when what I really need is conviction.

But the thing with conviction is - it means a loss of control. Real conviction, turning those things over to God, that is freedom. But it comes at a cost. I've given them up, those issues, those sins, now they belong to God. And if I have really given them to God, he is probably going to start working on them. Like Aslan removing Eustace's scales - it might be painful but it is good.

I really like this little worship song:

Lord prepare me
to be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true

But I like to think about that song at the end result. Yes, I want to be a sanctuary. I want to be tried and true. But that isn't how it goes.

That song is asking to be prepared. It's talking about verbs, not nouns. Well, I don't always want that, I don't want to be prepared to be a sanctuary, I just want to be one. I want to be tried and true without having to go through trials, refined with out having to go through a fire. I just want to be a great Christian without God having to go through all that work shaping me into one.

I've been struggling with this lately, especially in the area of meekness. One of the Christian radio programs I listen to has been focusing on being meek. At first I wasn't really interested but then she started describing what meekness, and a lack of it, looked like. And I realized her description of meek didn't fit me very well.

Swift to hear, slow to speak? Peaceable? Gentle? I don't really think I am.

Unperturbed and unruffled? Composed? I don't think most people would describe me like that.

Hurried? Harsh? That sounds more like it. But oh wait, that is in the lacking meekness category.

Exorbitant passion? Ouch, that touched a nerve.

There are so many aspects to meekness but it hit me that in each of the two or three main areas where I feel like I am struggling, it all comes back to having (or not having as the case may be) a meek spirit. And as the first few days of the program went by, I just kept feeling worse and worse. Yes, I get it God, I'm not meek. I'm convicted.

Then several situations arose and my response was, you guessed it - not very meek. But I didn't mean to be like that. It's just I can be passionate and going at full speed and I have a type A personality.Or I'm a stressed person, that's not my fault. Or at least that is what I told myself, but I still felt bad and "Agghh, I was so mad at myself. Maybe I should just give up blogging and this and that and all these circumstances where I tend to act a certain way.

But then I realized, I wasn't acting convicted. I was acting guilty. It wasn't the situations that needed to change, it was my heart. And while I was going around annoyed at myself for
acting a certain way, I wasn't asking God to change me, or asking him to give me a meek spirit, not asking for forgiveness from those my harsh responses might have offended or my hasty actions impacted. And you know what that indicated to me - I lacked meekness (I told you, it all comes back to meekness). So in a way, I'm back to square one. But this time, I'm not going to "feel bad" about it, I'm just going to ask God to change it. Because I want my inheritance.

Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5