A New Year

It's been a little over a month since my mom passed away. For the most part, I think I'm doing okay but some days are really hard. Like last night.

I thought Christmas would be hard, and it was a little hard but we celebrated "Christmas" in November so it kinda felt like a fake Christmas this time around. The Christmas eve service was emotional for me and reading the facebook updates of everyone excited to see there family or friends spending time making cookies or shopping with their mom stung but the rest of the time I was okay. But for some reason, yesterday things just kept reminding me of my mom. Five or six different times I thought of "this" and was going to call my mom or I told myself to tell my mom about "that" next time I talked to her before I remembered, "Oh, I can't." I don't do that much. When she was sick, she was always on my mind because I was always praying or worrying (hey, being honest :-) and calling to see how she was doing. So the fact that she was dying was always there in the front of my mind and I rarely "slipped up" and forgot about it. But now that she is actually gone, in some ways I'm more likely to forget and think I can just pick up the phone. But, with the exception of yesterday, I really only do that once or twice a week. I was actually getting mad at myself for letting that happen so much yesterday because each time the pain hits like I'm finding our for the first time.

I didn't really think much about New Years impacting me. Maybe that was why it hit so much harder than Christmas, because it was unexpected. But it does make sense. In many ways, I am ready to be done with 2011. It was not a great year and I'd like to be able to say "Good Riddance" with 100% of my heart.

But it was also my last year with my mom. 2011 is the last scrapbook that she will be in. The holidays and birthdays of 2011 are the last ones I will celebrate with her. And as hard as this year was, I do have lots of wonderful memories of spending time with my mom and my family together.

And while there are lots of things I'm looking about 2012 I'm looking forward too, even that is a mixed bag of emotions. Dealing with a terminal illness is so different from other trials or difficult seasons because normally, I just remind myself that it is a season and that "this too shall pass" and that makes me feel better. I pray for strength to get through the hard times. But when I would do that this time, I would remember that I didn't really want to get through it, being through with it meant my mom would be gone and I couldn't want that. I put off doing things because they weren't as important as my mom  but doing so meant that I was, in a weird way, "saving" them for when she was gone. And even though I knew it wasn't true, it felt like if I wanted those things I was waiting for or holding off on, I was wishing for her to be gone.

But wished for or not, she is gone and entering this new year really feels like I'm leaving her behind now. When 11pm rolled around, I felt like I was leaving 2011 kicking and screaming and I just fell apart.

If I'm going to fall apart, it happens in the evening. Lucy is asleep, things are quiet, I can actually think. Luckily it normally also means that Craig is around and bedtime is near. Because once I'm down, I can't get myself back up. I just have to ride it out. Craig will stay with me until I fall asleep. And the morning brings a new day, or in the case, a new year. Welcome 2012.