Let's try that again

So my last personal post was a bit of a downer but God has been working on me since then in a few special ways and since I shared the low, I thought it only fair that I shared the high.

I had been thinking about taking a personal mini-retreat to give myself some time for goal setting and focused prioritizing time. Then I read this post and it spurred me into action. But first, Craig and I needed to talk about our goals. I can't just go off on my own planning things willy-nilly without knowing what Craig thinks our priorities and focus should be.

So Sunday night, Craig and I spent the evening discussing our goals. We didn't do anything crazy formal but I started with a list of some areas we might want to discuss (marriage, family, spiritual, financial, etc). We'd pick one and talk about it; the good, the bad, what our goals should be. Or sometimes we wouldn't talk about it other than to say, I think we are doing good with ___, let's stay on that same track. Next.

One of the biggest struggles of the last year and a half has been feeling torn between my homes, being with my husband and Lucy here or taking her and spending time with my mom and family in KS.I didn't mention every trip on this blog but I was gone at least one week a month, sometimes two. Craig came for the weekends when he could, but that is still a lot of time apart. Yet, my time with my mom was so precious and limited and I hated being away from her. It felt like a lose/lose and I was still harboring guilt (there is that guilt word again, this won't be the last time it shows up). And when I was home, he was supporting me and helping me cope, really being there for me. And I felt like I was just - there.

But lately one thing my Texas home group leader and mentor told me about once was to always remember the difference between truth-based guilt and guilt based on a lie. Truth-based guilt is from God; it's a conviction to spur change. Guilt based on a lie is from Satan and his goal is to turn our hearts from God. I know that my guilt is lie-based. I made the decisions I did with Craig's full blessing and after prayerfully considered where God wanted me to be. And I have no regrets. Not really. But I still have allowed guilt and worries to affect me.

What does this have to do with goals? Well, our goal planning night showed my how like minded Craig and I are on our vision for our family. It may have felt like there were times last year when Craig and I were just trying to get through the days, that we were ships passing in the night if you will excuse the cliche, but we weren't. When we really talked about the important things, we were right there, side by side. Probably more so than I think we ever have been before. It just felt like this sign from God reminding me that He has us in His hands. One of our hopes for the next year is to spend more time doing fun family things on Craig's days off and to fit in more date nights. But not because our marriage is in trouble or we need to address issues, but because we want to spend time together. We like spending time with each other, we like spending time with Lucy, we like being together as a family. Our marriage has been sustained, and is thriving, not because of our works, but because God is faithful. And being reminded of that was so refreshing.

Then Monday, I went on my mini-retreat. Sometimes I pray better out loud so on the drive to Panera, I did a lot of talking to God. Then I got there, bought my peppermint hot chocolate, found a quiet corner, and started listening. I only spent a little over an hour and half there but God showed me so much. I have lot of ideas and goals for the year now, an overall vision for where I want to take my "job" this next year and I'm really excited about them but even more important, I left all that guilt and baggage at Panera and came home feeling like a new person. Which incidentally, is the theme God gave me for this year. I had been focusing on the ideas of renewing and letting God lift up my spirit since I knew I couldn't do it on my own. Then when I started planning I put "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain." on the top of my page but couldn't remember the reference and when I Googled it, I saw that it is Psalm 127, also knows as a Song of Ascent. Yes! Lift me up Lord. Take me higher. I think I really am ready to say "Welcome 2012" now.