Speaking of time, when I was a newlywed, our 5 year anniversary seemed pretty distant. And I viewed the few young couples I knew that had been married that long as mentors. Now that we are at that point, in many ways I feel like we are still newlyweds with so much to learn. So I don't want to sound pretentious with this little list, but I do want to look at how far we've come and share what I've learned - other than I married the most awesomest man on the planet and that I can't wait to see what the next years bring for us.
1) Remember that you're in it for the long haul.
The big issues you have right now may very well be nothing in a few years. We had one or two big issues when we first got married. And I felt like we needed to fix them right NOW. Because if I/WE didn't fix it, it would just get worse and worse and we would have to live like this FOREVER! We got books and prayed and talk and talked and my goodness, it was painful. Those issues aren't anything now, so much so that I can laugh at myself, but the changes is not because of all the "effort" we put in. Mostly we just needed time, time to learn about each other and time to grow and mature. We would have been better off with just one or two conversations and the prayer part. It's good to put effort into improving your marriage, it's bad to obsess. I really wish someone had told me not to worry so much. Marriage is hard, but don't make it harder that it has to be.
2) The little things that bug you will probably still bug you, so you'd better find a way to deal with them.
How is it that the littlest things can get under your skin so much. I'll let you in on a secret, Craig and I disagree about how to put up toilet paper. He's an under while I, like all normal people, am on over the roll kinda gal. Neither of us would budge. So we made a rule, whoever changes the roll makes the decision and no fussing or alterations are allowed. Now nobody complains about the lack of changing or the direction. It works for us. I am also really bad about turning off the lights when I leave the room. After much effort on my part, I am light years ahead of where I was before but Craig does a really good job of not pointing out when I fail and for his sake, we are slowly replacing the bulbs with LEDs. I dog ear my book. He doesn't nag, he just follows me and puts a bookmark there. So if your wife folds the towels in thirds and you really prefer them folded in half, get over it. Or if your husband always leaves his dirty socks at the foot of your bed, just put a hamper there.
3) Don't assume.
You know what assuming does, don't you? Yes, you're fuming and snappy and it seems like it should be obvious you need a break, but don't assume your husband knows that you've had a bad day and that you need 10 minutes of quiet time or your head will explode when your toddler has yet another fit because she can't hug the train across the street. (Not that this scenario has happened to me, cough cough) And you may have spent the last two days buying and preparing all the supplies you need to fix that vent but don't assume that your wife knows you really wanted to get that done Friday afternoon so her suggestion that they go to the library together is not a great one. Don't assume, tell. Life is so much better now that I've learned to tell Craig things instead of assuming he'll figure it out (or worse, assuming that he knows and is deliberately choosing not to take action). Now the only thing I assume is that if he knew how and could help me, he would. And that he loves me and is on my side.
What about you? Any good marriage advice to pass on?
"I, like all normal people"...I am totally cracking up at that line! I am also an over-the-top (I believe I read once about a scientific study proving that it uses/wastes less TP if you go over the top, for what it's worth). :) And you have such restraint--I 'fix' it wherever and whenever I can.
ReplyDeleteGreat list! Happy anniversary to you guys!