Dealing with stuff
What does this picture have to do with anything else in this post? Nothing, but aren't they cute?! We were at the mall and they insisted on holding hands.
It's been a little over 2 weeks since I had my last doctor's appointment. It was a good news, bad news day. Good news is my antibody levels are looking really low (good!) so what I'm doing seems to be helping. Bad news related to good news is that I should keep doing it all so still no gluten.
Bad news is my hormone levels are really low (bad!) which means I'm now on more medicine and more supplement and some more dietary changes. Good news related to bad news is that hopefully that will clear up some additional symptoms I'm having that have really been dragging me down. We'll find out in a couple months.
So on paper, it wasn't really a huge deal, maybe only a middle sized one. Mentally and emotionally, it really hit me hard. I think I've finally having to accept that this is going to be a part of my life for a while, a long while. I won't say "forever" like most people do when talking about auto-immune issues because I do know people that have fully recovered from ai issues and I'm not giving up hope completely. It's just that I'm shifting my perspective.
I started out with an attitude of a quick fix. A couple little changes and a pill a day, no biggie, I'm fine. And it wasn't impacting my day to day life, it wasn't a big deal, even the going gf part :-) so that made sense. But these days, it is impacting me. Both daily and longer term. And, well, it kinda stinks. No, I take that back. It really stinks. So that first week was really rough. The Headmistress over at The Common Room linked to this post comparing chronic illness to spoons. While I'm no where near as sick as the author of that post, it was still helpful to me although I just wanted to shout "I want to have all the spoons! Unlimited spoons for me please, I've got things to do!" And who doesn't? I want to be in control of my life, to call the shots, to make the decisions.
Even now, I don't think of myself as a sick person. It will probably take time to find that balance between using a diagnosis as an excuse and being realistic with what I can handle or how I feel but I think I'm erring a little to far on the ignoring it side. When we went camping, I had a great time and a really good day and found myself wondering if this was all in my head only to spend the day afterwards huddled in bed wishing my head would just explode because it would feel more comfortable that way. Anyway...
After a few days I put an end to my pity party and got back to the grindstone. But it's still there, in the back of my mind. What if these symptoms lasts forever, what if this other issue never goes away? That's not my plan. What if? If I start down the "What if" path I always make myself finish it. What if that happens. Well, I'll still be okay, God knows what he's doing. Then I catch myself almost negotiation. I've learned enough in my walk with God not to blatantly negotiate anymore. No more promising to read my bible and pray every day if he makes such and such happen. No, but I try to speed learn my lesson. If God wants to teach me something through this struggle, I'll learn it quickly so he takes it away and I can get back to my life. It's more subtle, but just as sinful of a thought process. That's not how God works. This, this daily living and working in whatever situation God has placed me, with joyfulness and a thankful heart, that's His plan for me. I don't know what struggles or blessings the future holds, but I'm here, moving forward. And God's done pretty good with what he's given me so far and I can probably trust him with the rest.