Will the real "me" please stand up

I wish I had an anonymous blog. I wonder how many bloggers would agree with that statement, at least some of the time. I do, not all the time, but a good portion of the time.

I guess it comes down to why you blog. I've been asking myself that lately and there isn't just one answer. I started as a way to stay connected with friends and family. I think it has succeeded in that, although that success comes at a cost to those readers who don't "really know me" but still have to look at lots of vacation snapshots. Still, I like that part of this blog and being anonymous wouldn't really work well for that so in those cases I am fine with who I am being out there for everyone to know.

But my other reason for writing it to get things out of my head. To process and sort through ideas, at least enough were I can verbalize them. It helps me deal with ideas. And guess I am passionate about too many topics. Basically anything I think of, I just keep thinking about, until eventually I write it down - modesty, health issues, gay marriage, you name it. It's all floating around in my head and I have to get it out. I want to stop thinking about it. So I write it down and post it. Which maybe seem to be more "real" than the pictures and nice happy story I want to paint about my life. But is it really more me?

I mean, there are lots of people in my life who I don't regularly talk to about my feelings on difficult topics (death, my struggles, the evils of the world, etc). Not necessarily because I am hiding it from them for in most cases, if they straight out ask my opinion, I will tell them. But there is no reason for me tell my gay friends that I don't think they should be allowed to marry, my friend in a bikini that I don't think two piece swim suits are very modest or my friend on the pill that I consider it an abortifactant. I can't really say it is because I don't care. I do care, theoretically. I like to theorize and work things out. I like to think about the big picture. But when it comes to individuals, that is what they are to me - individuals. And if they are a Christian, then I'll let the Holy Spirit convict them, and if they aren't, then why are we quibbling over what is right and wrong anyway?

And I don't really think that makes my relationship with them any less real. In fact, maybe it makes it more real, because I am thinking of them and their feelings and how our interaction affects both of us as individuals and our relationship. And for the most part, I don't think it is beneficial to bring it up. Sometimes I do, so I do, but mostly I don't, so I don't. (try figure out that sentence :-) Shouldn't what I don't say, "say" as much about me as what I do?

For any of you reading this that I don't know, at a certain point, I don't really care what you think of me. I like to have you comment and to bounce ideas back and forth, to "banter" if you will. But when I turn off the computer and go to bed, I don't care if we agree or not.

But the people I know and care about, I do still care about what they think, and I would hate for them to get lost in the shuffle. So sometimes I censor. And then I wish I had an anonymous blog so I could say what I want when I want and to heck with anyone else. Other times I don't, then I wonder what my statements will do to our relationship: "Are they reading this? "Do they think I spend my time thinking bad things about them?" The answer is no, I don't.

My friend "A" may choose to have pre-marital sex. I don't think that is the best choice she can make. But I don't think of her as "My friend A who has pre-marital sex." No, I think of her as "My friend A." When the topic comes up, I may think to myself "Oh, I really wish A was making a different choice, for her own sake" - and that is about it. I move on. The same with my friend "B" who is living a homosexual lifestyle or my friend "C" who loves tube tops. They are people, not sins or choices I don't agree with. And I know that I don't think that way - but do they? Can they read this blog and see my passion for what I think God's idea about certain things are without getting a tainted version of "the real me?"

I don't know. And I think it is only going to get harder as we continue blogging. My social convictions have been getting stronger lately. Does my statement that I won't watch a certain TV show or movie automatically mean I am looking down on others who choose to do so? And I have a feeling that whenever we have kids, it is going to get a lot worse - can I be passionate about midwives and homeschooling without alienating those who choose epidurals and public schoool? Again, I don't know.

Don't worry, I'm not going to stop blogging, at least not yet. But these question have been floating around in my head and well, I have to get them out.

Do any of you fellow bloggers have worries like mine? Have you changed your writing because of them?