Sleep is for sissies

I haven't talked too much about Lucy's sleep patterns here on the old blog. Partly because I don't want this blog to become a endless rant on how I haven't had more than 4 hours sleep  in a row even one single time for over 10 months now. Thinking about it drives me crazy. Partly because I don't really want advice about how to fix her problem. I don't actually think she has a problem, she seems very similar to a lot of babies her age (and even older) that I know. She just doesn't sleep through the night in a culture that values sleeping through the night. (FYI - She goes down around 7pm and stays in bed until about 7am but she wakes up multiple times to eat. As soon as I feed her, she falls right back to sleep unless something else is wrong.)

I too, used to value sleeping through the night. I am a huge sleep person. B.L. (that's Before Lucy) I needed at least 8 hours of sleep to function the next day. And I normally took a nap. Yes, even when I worked full time. I would use my lunch hour to take a cat nap probably 2-3 times a week as well as napping on the weekends. I love to sleep. And now, I don't sleep that much.

I function because we co-sleep and I typically nap during at least one of her naps. It works out well because she naps better snuggled next to me. That isn't to say that it has always been easy. It hasn't. There have been two rough patches, one at 4 months and another at 8. Her sleep got worse due to teething and developmental stuff and the more I thought/worried/tried to fix it, the worse it got so that even when th problems were over and done with, I was still frustrated with her sleep (or lack of). Finally another mom who is also committed to not crying it out told me to turn the clock around and let it go. It worked. I gave that time to Lucy gladly and I can honestly say that right now, I don't feel sleep deprived. I don't worry about when she is going to "finally" sleep through the night. I don't worry about what I am or am not "doing right." I'm fine with our current arrangement. It works for us.

Last week was a bit hard because we were at my parents and she doesn't like to lay down with me and nap (the room we are in is too new and exciting and fun to explore that even if her eyes are barely open when we go in there, she manages to muster the energy to get into everything once we enter) so I have to hold her for her to nap well. But we make it through. Anyway, a few nights ago I was lying in bed before my typical bedtime trying to fall asleep since I knew I needed the sleep but I just couldn't fall asleep. It got me thinking about a time a few years back when I had trouble sleeping through the night.

It was back when I was in college when I was having nightmares. At first I thought I was going insane but as little research showed me it was a fairly UNcommon side effect to a medication I was on. But since I couldn't go off it for a while so I just had to deal with them. And they were bad, we're not talking about naked public speaking but vivid dreams of family members killing themselves or me, violent images and scenes, things I don't even know how I got into my head. I would wake up shaking and crying. And the more I had them, the more I worried about going to sleep and having them which just made it harder to fall asleep and more likely that I would have them.

But luckily for me, my boyfriend was there for me. He would talk me to sleep on the phone every night. I would leave my cell on speaker phone next to my pillow and he would read random things like the newspaper (happy columns only ) or blog posts until I stopped responding and he knew I was asleep. If I had a bad dream, he would answer his phone at 3am and repeat the process. And not just once or twice. Almost every night for several months. He never complained about how it effected him. And it did effect him, it was more than a minor inconvenience and I know he had better things to do with that time (like sleep!). It wasn't even a big glamourous display of love that I could show off to my friends. There were no accolades. Nobody except me even knew he was doing it. But he did it because he knew I needed it and he cared more about my needs than his. It was one of the ways he showed me that he was husband material. And even now, I think back on that time and instead of thinking about the hard time I had, I think of the love he showed me by his actions and devotion. But until that night, I hadn't ever thought about it in relation to my nights with Lucy.

This isn't a post about the "evils of c.i.o." I have pretty strong opinions about that practice (and I'm sure you could guess what they are :-) but I also know several mothers who I respect that have do it because they believe it is the best thing for their child and I'm not here to argue that point. It's just a reminder to me for the next time when I am tired and frustrated. Because there will be another night that seems to short, another time when I wonder if I should just give in. But next time, I'll have this story to remember, the memories of the man who spent his time helping me sleep because now I'm paying that love forward by spending my time, my nights, with his little girl. She needs me. She needs my time, my presence, my love. Craig thought I was worth it, and I think she is too.