Compromising?

Do you ever have conversations that just stick with you? I keep reading things about parenting and compromise. Mostly I find them ridiculous but they bring to mind a conversation I had with my college girlfriends several years ago. I was newly engaged and another was in a serious relationship but overall we were pretty clueless about marriage and boys and all that. Yet, here we were, having a deep conversation about submission and decision making and roles in marriage.

I, in my infinite 21-year-old wisdom (do you see my tongue in my cheek right now, I hope so), said that I thought it was very important for a wife to submit to her husband when they disagreed (I don't want to give the impression that I think I was wrong, I still think I had the concept right, I just think it is funny because at the time, I had NO idea how to do that, how hard it would be, and just how much I would end up fighting God on that whole concept later on, as in right now.) Another girl piped up and said that she didn't think it was fair for one person to have to give in, especially on major decisions, and that she thought a couple should just continue discussing until they came to an agreement, no matter how long that took. This seems to be the general idea that I've seen popping up in parenting magazines and books. At the time, I remember thinking how I didn't think that view was compatible with the scriptures I knew, but I didn't know how to articulate a response. Now fours years later, well, I still don't have a well thought out response other than "Ha, ha, ha...how's that working out for ya?"

Seriously, that doesn't work. Even if you could possibly make it work for the first year or two, it definitely wouldn't work once a baby came along. I used to think along with babies came diapers, cute nursery sets and teeny tiny clothing, but what really comes with babies is decisions! Lots and lots of decisions. Decisions that two people are in charge of making. And if you are unaware, two is an even number. So every time I see something state that compromise is even more important now that a baby is on it's way, I laugh. Because in reality, it seems like compromise is even more impossible now that a baby is on it's way. Things I would have been willing to compromise on before, I'm not now, things I didn't care much about are suddenly vitally important. I am a mama bear and don't come between me and my baby.

Now I do think Craig and I are pretty "lucky." We agree on probably 95% of things and Nigel is no exception. For the most part, we have the same goals and ideas about how we want to raise our kids and construct our life. But it's that last 5% that's so tricky. Talking about something is good, coming to an agreement or a compromise is good, but sometimes it just ain't gonna happen.

We decided early in our marriage that we would look to the Bible for our understanding of a marriage and we feel that the Bible says that the husband is the authority in family matters. Not the ultimate authority mind you, he's still under God's authority. But I'm not talking about issues that are due to one of us sinning or a result of us not having the mind of Christ. In these cases we both genuinely want to make the "best" decision, the one that is most beneficial to the health and welfare of Nigel. We just disagree on what that decision is.

Probably our first big disagreement in our marriage, I mean, major decision disagreement came with the flu season. He wanted me to get the H1N1 shot, and I did not. We talked and talked and talked but neither of us was going to change our mind. We just stopped bringing it up for a while. Which was good because it gave God time to work on softening my heart. And He helped me realize a few things:

1) I can normally trust Craig's decisions. All those times that he agrees with me, it's not because he doesn't care enough to bother fighting me on it. I've seen marriages like that, where the husband doesn't bother having an opinion because it seems like his wife will take the opposite one and she'll get her way anyway so why make the effort. That is not what I want nor, thank the Lord (literally), what our marriage is like. Craig does care about a lot of things, when he agrees with me it is because on baby things he either feels the way I do from the start or he doesn't have an opinion at all yet but once I present my case, he takes the facts into consideration and comes to the same conclusion. The fact that he is willing to disagree means that I can trust his opinion when he says he does agree with me and that is very reassuring.

2) My submitting to Craig is really submitting to God and even if if I feel like I can't trust Craig's decisions, I can trust his authority because it is rooted in God. Abraham completely botched the whole leading his wife thing and let Sarah get dragged off to be married to someone else - twice! That was not a good biblical decision by any stretch of the imagination and if I was Sarah, I might have felt justified in going against Abraham. But God took care of her, protected her, and even says that her following Abraham was a sign of her faith and hope in God.

3) In the end, if Craig makes the decision, he has to bear the responsibility. It's his fault if it all goes wrong (insert diabolical laugh here). Just kidding on this one, kinda :-)

So at my last appointment, I got the shot. Actually, once I submitted to him and decided to get it, we were able to come up with a compromise both of us could live with - I would wait to get the shot until my second trimester and then I would get the thimerosol-free version and would wait until the next month to get the seasonal flu shot. This worked out well as my doctor ended up being unwilling to give it to me until after the 14th week (I could have gone to our local health department earlier though). Craig would have preferred my getting it earlier, I would have preferred not getting it at all but we were both okay with the end result. (Or I was until I saw the giant needle but that is a different issue). But I can tell you that we would not have been able to come to that point if the Lord has not smacked me on the head and helped me submit to Craig.

Another decision might be coming up and there is absolutely no way to compromise. If we have a boy, do we circumcise or not?* We either do or we don't. It's just not something you can compromise on (okay, honey, let's just take off half the foreskin!) and in the 2.5 years we have talked about it, our opinions haven't changed so I don't hold out much hope that they will in the next 6 months either. One of us is going to have to give in. And, unless he really does change his views, it will be me.

And not just because he has slightly more first hand knowledge of the consequences of that decision either :-)

*Notice: To avoid a comments contretemps, I'm not asking y'all to weigh in. We both know how we feel and why and we will work it out. I'm using it as an example.