What I Learned from "The Science of Parenting"

This is part two of my parenting book review series. Part one was on Nuture Shock.

Another book I checked out upon Lucy's birth was The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland. In this book, Sunderland sets out for us (to quote the subtitle) "how today's brain research can help you raise happy, emotionally balanced children." More so than other areas, including intelligence, I am concerned about Lucy's emotional development, because I think that parents have a great deal of impact on that area, and thus a lot of potential exists to, frankly, screw a kid up if you do things incorrectly. This book uses the findings of neuroscience to examine how parenting styles affect the child's brain.

This book begins by laying out a basic map of the brain, and refers back to this information often. Sunderland breaks the brain down into reptilian (instinctive), mammalian (emotional), and rational (higher) components, and links these areas to behaviors exhibited by children as they develop. As you might expect, as a child develops, his actions are controlled more and more by the latter areas of the brain. It is a parent's job to help her child learn to deal with her emotions as he matures

This book is stark about the failures to do this properly. Depression, anxiety, aggression, and failure to find fulfillment are some of the negative outcomes that can result from improper emotional development. While this book might be drawing a too-direct line between parenting during a child's first years and these adult symptoms, it makes sense that many issues in teens and adults can indeed be traced to childhood.

This book launches a brutal assault on "let them cry" parenting, explaining that crying is a result of real stresses and that the stress hormone cortisol is released during crying episodes. Sunderland explains that soothing your child turns off the cortisol flow, but failing to do so allows the brain to simmer in this hormone, potentially "damaging key structures and systems in the developing brain." This will affect the child's future ability to deal with stress, leaving him "wired for bodily hyperarousal." Letting them cry works, it is true, the author says, but only because the baby either grows exhausted or gives up hope of receiving help.

While on the subject of contentious child-rearing issues, this book next addresses daycare, warning that separation from parents can have ill effects on children. Sunderland doesn't rule out daycare as an option, though; she merely states that your caregiver should be emotionally aware and attentive and be able to help your child deal with stress.

Next, Sunderland offers her support to cosleeping (the act of sleeping in close proximity to your child), stating that it helps regulate baby's sleep patterns (heartbeat, temperature, breathing, etc.). From an emotional standpoint, it increases the amount of touch a child receives, touch being an important stress regulation tool. The book addresses arguments against cosleeping by suggesting common-sense precautions and demonstrating that SIDS rates are lower in cosleeping cultures than in the crib-using-West. While the emotional aspects of co-sleeping are few, this chapter goes in to negative forms of sleep training that can have ill effects.

In the behavior chapters, this book discusses why kids misbehave (e.g. hunger, stress at home) and the two types of tantrums (distress and "Little Nero") and how to deal with them.  Basically, the first should be soothed and the second ignored.  They can be distinguished in that, in the latter, the child can vocalize his specific demands.

Sunderland goes into a number of other topics, including bullying, building social skills, and the proper use of time outs.  This is another book that is science-based and useful in a number of situations for kids of a wide range of ages.  I'd say this belongs on your parenting bookshelf.