200% Emotional

We got back from my brother's wedding a few days ago. When I have a few extra minutes, I'll go through the few pictures I got and post them and talk more about the festivities. For now I'll just say that it was a wonderful wedding - but it was hard. My mom couldn't be there.

I did pretty well handling my emotions until I walked down the aisle with my younger brother (I was a groomswoman) and saw Rick standing there, looking so handsome waiting for his bride, and off the side was my dad but not my mom. I definitely had to clench my jaw to hold back tears. I really fight the "it's not fair" mentality. And I do mean fight. It can easily suck you in but it isn't helpful. It was very hard this time. My brain kept shouting, "She isn't gone. Maybe someday we will have to go through family experiences without her but not now."

I know she was on everyone's minds the whole night. In the bride's dressing room, right before the big moment, we said a prayer for Rick and Windsor's future and for my mom. There were cards for people to leave notes for her and some of our family stories were printed up on cards for everyone to read. But it obviously wasn't the same.

To be very clear, I don't mean to imply at all that they shouldn't have gone on with the wedding. It was what my mom wanted and we are all so happy for them. And I'm sure it was even harder on my brother not having her there. It's just that the last 5 months, I feel like I am fighting these opposite emotions. Every month Lucy gets bigger and I'm so excited to see her grow and develop but it is also a hard reminder that time with my mom is slipping away from me. This weekend was another example of that.

Ecclesiates 3 says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" and Romans 12:15 says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." But what do you do when the time for weeping is the same as the time for dancing and are the rejoicers supposed to stop rejoicing to weep with the weepers or are the weepers supposed to stop weeping to rejoice with the rejoicers? I don't know. I think you just have to open yourself up to both emotions at once. I can honestly say that watching Rick and Windsor say their vows to each other, I was 100% happy for them, for their love and for their future while at the same time being 100% devastated that my mother wasn't there. Math majors may not understand but I was definitely 200% emotional.

They were some things that made it a little better though. She did get to come home from the hospital on Thursday and spend the weekend with a couple of my aunts and my grandma. Our good friend Zach, a real live filmer (sorry Zach, "filmer" probably isn't the right word but I don't know what is), taped the wedding and reception and send it live to my them to watch. An old family friend and neighbor was able to get the wedding details so they could copy them as much as possible. My mom was able to have a very similar dinner and cake and they even shipped some of the decorations out to her. And it was easier knowing she was watching. When we went up all the way to the altar, I saw the camera there and it was natural to smile then. And later at the reception, they had it set up both ways so we could say hi and wave to them and see them waving back. I am so grateful for the hard work people put in to make that happen, it really did mean so much to us all.