Here

I'm here. It seems as if the only posts I have put up lately are fun and light and it makes me feel like a fraud. I write other posts, but leave them unpublished. Those posts are too raw, too emotional and I'm just not ready for the world to see them. Truth is, I'm not really ready to feel what I'm feeling, to see what I'm seeing, to do what I'm doing. I wish I didn't write them because I wish this wasn't happening.

Wishing, hoping, wanting, I know those are technically different but they all blurr together. Even praying, I hate feeling like my prayer life is one great big list of wants I recite to God. I just want so many things. Mostly I want to go back to 5 months ago and just redo this whole period of my life to get a different outcome. "Try again God, this one isn't really working for me."

But that isn't going to happen. And it isn't what God has planned. I don't know what He does have planned but I'm here, taking one step at a time, doing the best that I can for the people I love. It's all I can do, but it doesn't feel like enough.