The middlings

Okay guise, I'm gonna be real here. It has been a rough month. I try to focus on the good stuff on my blog, the things I want to remember (because, if they aren't written down here, there is a good chance I'll forget them :-) and the things I want to share with you all - my friends and family.

But I also don't want it to be fake either. Showing nothing but roses and sunshine all the time. And this month has had lots of fun memories and trips and good moments - but it's had a lot of bad ones too. Nothing major. And ironically, that's part of the problem. I've been in those deep places, dealing with the big stuff - the depression, the loss of a child, the loss of a parent. And I know the me that was there, even just a year or two ago, would give anything to be dealing with "the little" issues I'm dealing with now.

But the truth is, they aren't really "little" issues either. I can deal with the stomach bugs (in fact, Lucy threw up tonight so we very may be dealing with just that in the next few days- wish me luck!), the missed-a-nap days when bedtime just doesn't seem to be coming soon enough, the day where you're running late and can't find the car keys - or your wallet and then when you do, you run over that bottle of bubbles you promised you'd let the kids play with that afternoon. I'm pretty good with remembering that "tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it" at least when I know the freezer has ice cream and my k-dramas are waiting for me when bedtime finally does come around.

But these things I'm struggling with aren't just one bad day things. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and they still be here. And a month from now, and probably 3 months from now too. Hoping in 6 months, we'll be moving on - but I'm sure I'll have other issues to deal with. It's just life. And I know that everyone has struggles and things they deal with and that's normal and okay but I haven't been letting myself feel that way.

And I've come to realize that in doing so, I'm actually sinning. Because if I refuse to say, "This is hard. I am struggling" then I can't let myself ask God for help. When faced with a big thing - I knew I couldn't handle it and was more than willing to give, or shove it, onto God. But these things, these "middlings" I'm trying to handle all by myself, to power through. I can handle it. Except I can't. And that's becoming more and more obvious. I'm tired. Not just lacking sleep tired, but worn out, emotionally and physically. So I'm trying to hand over those middlings to God. And that starts by being here and being willing to admit, "The middlings are hard too!"

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