Let the Lent begin

I've got a whole lot of thoughts about Lent but I'm letting them settle in my mind instead of just blurting them out here so all I've got for you is my Lenten resolutions.

I'm giving up:

Computer time. Now, I do quite a bit of real "business" not just fun stuff so I can't give it up completely but I am taking myself off of facebook except for Sundays and will also be trying to limit my internet usage to only when the kids are asleep. It would actually be easier to say no computer at all except when kids are asleep, but we use the computer for most of our music and music is one of my best "turn the attitudes around" trick and I'm not sure my children would survive if I cut us off completely.

I'm giving:

That time to my family, my God and my intentional commitments.  I especially want my kids to see me value them and enjoy time with them without distractions  I think this is going to be really really hard because the internet is one of my biggest sources of interaction with other adults and I'm worried I'll be feeling like a recluse by Easter time BUT I will be turning to God for that and eagerly awaiting Easter which is a good thing.

Wish me luck! Are you doing any Lenten resolutions this year?

A New Year

It's been a little over a month since my mom passed away. For the most part, I think I'm doing okay but some days are really hard. Like last night.

I thought Christmas would be hard, and it was a little hard but we celebrated "Christmas" in November so it kinda felt like a fake Christmas this time around. The Christmas eve service was emotional for me and reading the facebook updates of everyone excited to see there family or friends spending time making cookies or shopping with their mom stung but the rest of the time I was okay. But for some reason, yesterday things just kept reminding me of my mom. Five or six different times I thought of "this" and was going to call my mom or I told myself to tell my mom about "that" next time I talked to her before I remembered, "Oh, I can't." I don't do that much. When she was sick, she was always on my mind because I was always praying or worrying (hey, being honest :-) and calling to see how she was doing. So the fact that she was dying was always there in the front of my mind and I rarely "slipped up" and forgot about it. But now that she is actually gone, in some ways I'm more likely to forget and think I can just pick up the phone. But, with the exception of yesterday, I really only do that once or twice a week. I was actually getting mad at myself for letting that happen so much yesterday because each time the pain hits like I'm finding our for the first time.

I didn't really think much about New Years impacting me. Maybe that was why it hit so much harder than Christmas, because it was unexpected. But it does make sense. In many ways, I am ready to be done with 2011. It was not a great year and I'd like to be able to say "Good Riddance" with 100% of my heart.

But it was also my last year with my mom. 2011 is the last scrapbook that she will be in. The holidays and birthdays of 2011 are the last ones I will celebrate with her. And as hard as this year was, I do have lots of wonderful memories of spending time with my mom and my family together.

And while there are lots of things I'm looking about 2012 I'm looking forward too, even that is a mixed bag of emotions. Dealing with a terminal illness is so different from other trials or difficult seasons because normally, I just remind myself that it is a season and that "this too shall pass" and that makes me feel better. I pray for strength to get through the hard times. But when I would do that this time, I would remember that I didn't really want to get through it, being through with it meant my mom would be gone and I couldn't want that. I put off doing things because they weren't as important as my mom  but doing so meant that I was, in a weird way, "saving" them for when she was gone. And even though I knew it wasn't true, it felt like if I wanted those things I was waiting for or holding off on, I was wishing for her to be gone.

But wished for or not, she is gone and entering this new year really feels like I'm leaving her behind now. When 11pm rolled around, I felt like I was leaving 2011 kicking and screaming and I just fell apart.

If I'm going to fall apart, it happens in the evening. Lucy is asleep, things are quiet, I can actually think. Luckily it normally also means that Craig is around and bedtime is near. Because once I'm down, I can't get myself back up. I just have to ride it out. Craig will stay with me until I fall asleep. And the morning brings a new day, or in the case, a new year. Welcome 2012.

But it's okay because she's cute

We normally write nice Christmas letters every year. We started it our first Christmas and surprisingly, have actually kept up with it. We even managed to get one out the year I was in the midst of morning sickness while trying to prepare to move across the country. But not this year. I just don't have it in me. It takes energy which I don't have and frankly, the last thing I want to do right now is relive the last year.

So we made a shutterfly card instead.

It was quick, easy and illustrates Lucy's cuteness pretty well. And since I'm blogging about it, I get a $10 coupon. Added bonus: the coupon expires on January 31st so I have really strong motivation to finish that 2010 album I've been working on. I only have a few pages left, none of which involve my mom so I should be able to do it without dissolving into a puddle of tears like I did when I looked through the 2009 album I just had printed* and saw pictures from this afternoon**.

*"Just had printed" doesn't mean just finished. I was waiting for a good Christmas sale before I printed it. That is my story and I'm sticking with it.

** And again, I'm crying. How was that less than 2 years ago? I look at that third pictures and all I can think is how my life was perfect back then. Now all I want to do is spend hours reading all my old posts searching for my mom's (Junecleaver) comments just so I can read her words. This is hard. Really really hard.

Polka Dot Christmas Wishes Christmas

Shutterfly Christmas cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

The expected happens

My mom passed away Saturday morning. From my experience and knowledge of cancer and death, I had several fears but in the end, her death was peaceful. My family was all at home with her and I've very thankful for the hospice care that allowed that to happen.

 We knew on Friday we were getting close to the end. Lucy had been sick and feverish so Craig and I had been keeping her and her vomit upstairs most of the day but that night she wasn't sleeping well and just wanted to be sprawled over my chest so, I took her down and we all spent the evening with my mom. We watched a movie while my mom slept. Then I took Lucy up to bed while my aunt, brother and dad spent the night taking turns watching over my mom. My dad got me early in the morning so I could say my last goodbye. Ben was holding her hand and I had my arm around her and my head on her pillow next to hers when she took her last breathe.

Compared to how frantic everything seemed last fall when she had her first bad spell, things were very calm and quiet and slow. Hospice came and the chaplain that we had been working with us said a prayer and we all sang a hymn. I didn't feel rushed to say goodbye or to hurry through things. It was hard to be thankful this Thanksgiving but that is one of the things I am most thankful for.

The time was good for Lucy too. I've explained to her the best way I knew how. She is at a really hard age in that she understands and communicates just enough to need an explaination but not enough to understand. But I told her that Bubbie's outside, her body, wasn't working anymore so it was going away but her insides were up with Jesus. When she heard "Jesus", she got excited and starting signing about Baby Jesus and the angel and the book (she loves this book we've been reading about Christmas) and I told her that it was the same Jesus. She also seems interested when people are sad or crying so I told her that it was okay to be sad and cry because we miss Bubbie or we want to give her a hug but can't. Then we gave Bubbie one last big hug. It hadn't been long so my mom didn't seem much different that the previous days to Lucy. Since then, she's had a few moments of confusion. She kept signing Bubbie when they came to take the hospital bed away and she threw a fit when she wanted to find Bubbie and give her a hug but I reminded her of what I had said before and how we had given her a hug earlier and after a few repetitions, she seemed to understand and let it go - for now. Her relationship with my mom was very real so even though she doesn't understand everything, I know she will grieve in her own way and her own time. It will just take her a while to realize what losing Bubbie really means.

Frankly, I think it is going to take me a while to completely realize what losing my mom means.  In a way, I've been preparing for this for 18 months but now that it has happened, I don't think I quite belive it. Last night we were all in the living room together and with the bed and medical supplies gone, it looked like our normal living room. I kept thinking my mom was just going to walk in any minute with a bowl of popcorn and a tray of tea. Oh, how I wish she could.

My mommy you'll be

Those of you who are friends with me in real life or who are following my dad's writings on my mom's caring bridge page will know that my mom has recently begun her final time of rest before she leaves this world.

I haven't talked a lot about her illness on this blog. I've written several posts and left them in drafts and have written over a dozen posts in my head but sometimes it seems like living it is taking all the strength I have and I don't have any left to write about it. But I also hate that because this blog chronicles our lives and I don't want it too seem like my life lately has been taking pictures of Lucy playing or remodeling our kitchen. Those things are in my life but they are secondary and good for a distraction but my focus has been spending time with my family and my mother. I want the world the know who she is but I know I can't do justice to her and I don't even know how to try. But I do want to share a bit now (well, I think I do, I'm still not sure if I will post this or not. If I do, I won't go back and edit it so forgive my spelling or grammer errors.)

I recently remembered a story she told me a couple times about how she found out she was pregnant with me.  She thought she might be pregnant but tests were expensive and they were young and didn't have a lot of money. And at the time they were back visiting her parents for a little while before moving to Germany so they couldn't go to the army hospital like she normally would. So she decided to go to planned parenthood for their free pregnancy tests. She went and got a postive (you knew that was coming, right :-) but then got confused as they started talking to her about her schedule and when she should come back. Finally it dawned on her that they thought she wanted an abortion. She got upset and went on a rant about how she was excited about this, how she and her husband (that would be my dad :-) wanted this baby! Even 20 years later when she would tell me that story, I could see her get upset at the thought of them assuming she would even think about having an abortion.

You might be thinking that is a really odd story to be telling right now. Don't worry, I'm not about to twist that into a "I was almost aborted" story. I wasn't. Nor am I really telling if for any pro-life cause. Because what that story means to me is just that from the very moment my mother knew of my existance, she loved me and her first thought was to protect me.

Now, flash forwards ~27 years. When I arrived Sunday night, she hadn't woken up for over 24 hours. She was resting in peace and comfort but unresponsive and I didn't know if I would be able to really say goodbye. But this morning, she "woke up" a bit. Barely, but we could see her one eye open a bit and move around towards us. So we all sat and talked to her but I still wasn't sure if she was awake, could hear us or knew we were there. Then I lay me head down on the pillow and started to cry. And she started to cry too and squeezed me hand. Because all these years later, I'm still her baby and I know that she loves me and wants to protect me.

She's my mentor, my role model, my confidante, my friend. But foremost, she's my mother mama.

I'll close with a line that anyone who has ever read and cried over this book will remember. Now that I've been both a daughter and a mother, I understand how true it is and if I had to tell you what I think that hand squeeze and those tears were meant to convey, this would be the sentiment:

I'll love you forever,

 I'll like you for always, 

as long as I'm living

 my baby you'll be

and if I could only say one thing back to her, I would choose the same response:

I'll love you forever,

 I'll like you for always,

 as long as I'm living

 my Mommy you'll be.

Blessed

It's 4:00 Thursday afternoon.

It's pouring out and I forgot about my clothes on the line until about 15 minutes after the rain started.

Lucy and I both have colds so we are sitting next to a big pile of used kleenex.

I'm missing two items for our meal tonight so dinner will be late.

My mom has her MRI today and her follow up with the doctor tomorrow and I'm not sure I want to hear what they have to say.

And yet...

Craig is one the way home...with those missing groceries.

My friend just welcomed her new little one into the world and I am reminded again how every new life is a miracle.

Lucy, snotty though she may be, is snuggled on my lap, trying to nurse but struggling because she keeps laughing at the silly faces I'm making.

My mom is still here with us today. Tomorrow I can call her and tell her all about Lucy's new obsessions and skills.

The rain seems to be washing away the thoughts Satan tries to send my way so now I can remember, I am blessed. 

Down again

What an emotional swing. Yesterday morning felt a lot like that Christmas post, happy and optimistic. By the evening, all that had changed. My mom's tumor has come back. We knew the odds were favoring that by a lot, but you force yourself to have hope. Hope is a tricky thing, you need it, you want it, but sometimes it feels like a double edged sword. No matter what the numbers say and what you know you should expect, it is devastating when you hear it has actually happened.

Lucy and I are just gonna take it easy today, so far we are still in our jammies and I think we'll stay that way for the morning, just playing and praying. How much do I wish I could be this girl again, she had so much hope still. Maybe I'll get back there again but today I just need some time to process.

The end of a year

We are currently in North Dakota visiting family. The plan is/was for us to return on the 1st but it is blizzardy out and that isn't expected to change tomorrow so we will have to see what happens. I'm hoping I DON'T have an "exciting" story to report.

Both of our Christmases were great (expect pictures when we get back and have access to our camera cord) and we were able to spend lots of time relaxing and visiting family but Lucy and I haven't been home more than 12 hours since the 13th of December and I am ready to be in my own bed. Luckily Lucy think any space between Craig and I is her own bed so that makes things easier.

Like probably everyone else in the world, I've been thinking about the last year lately. It certainly was not what I expected. Some of the big events of the year, like buying a house and my mom getting sick, were not at all expected. Even the things I knew to expect, like Lucy's arrival, were still such big changes that I could not comprehend how they would really affect my life. This year really has been a roller coaster and I won't lie - I'm tired. But through it all, I can see God's hand guiding my life and leading me through. There are certainly things I could change if I had a magic wand, but I know He knows what he is doing, so I'll just keep going and see what the next year brings.

I don't have a big list of resolutions but there are things I would like this next year to hold. Seeing my family's reactions to my mom's illness has really reinforced what I want our family's priorities to be and I do think Craig and I are on the right track, we just need to stay there so my main resolution for the year is: to be intentional.

I want to be intention in how we live and not let time just pass me by. More than any other year, I think I am scared of what this year brings. I'm excited too, but also scared. I keep having to stop and hand those fears to God to deal with because I don't want to waste my time worrying about the future. Instead, I want to use my time this year to:

-grow closer to the Lord

-grow closer to Craig

-grow closer as a family

-work with Craig to train Lucy up "in the way she should go"

-turn our house into a home

I could get more specific about how to do all those, sharing ideas about daily devotionals and scheduling more date nights, a list of home improvement projects I want to accomplish and diet changes I want to make sure we are consistent about. I'm a planner so part of me really want to create an elaborate list of all the things I'm going to accomplish but I'm stopping myself. I do think there is a time for that but right now, where I am, where our family is, we don't need that.

We need to be flexible, but as long as I fix my eyes on the Lord and remember those 5 goals in our plans, even if they are a shorter term than my type-A personality would like, I think we will end up were we need to be at the end of the next year.

200% Emotional

We got back from my brother's wedding a few days ago. When I have a few extra minutes, I'll go through the few pictures I got and post them and talk more about the festivities. For now I'll just say that it was a wonderful wedding - but it was hard. My mom couldn't be there.

I did pretty well handling my emotions until I walked down the aisle with my younger brother (I was a groomswoman) and saw Rick standing there, looking so handsome waiting for his bride, and off the side was my dad but not my mom. I definitely had to clench my jaw to hold back tears. I really fight the "it's not fair" mentality. And I do mean fight. It can easily suck you in but it isn't helpful. It was very hard this time. My brain kept shouting, "She isn't gone. Maybe someday we will have to go through family experiences without her but not now."

I know she was on everyone's minds the whole night. In the bride's dressing room, right before the big moment, we said a prayer for Rick and Windsor's future and for my mom. There were cards for people to leave notes for her and some of our family stories were printed up on cards for everyone to read. But it obviously wasn't the same.

To be very clear, I don't mean to imply at all that they shouldn't have gone on with the wedding. It was what my mom wanted and we are all so happy for them. And I'm sure it was even harder on my brother not having her there. It's just that the last 5 months, I feel like I am fighting these opposite emotions. Every month Lucy gets bigger and I'm so excited to see her grow and develop but it is also a hard reminder that time with my mom is slipping away from me. This weekend was another example of that.

Ecclesiates 3 says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" and Romans 12:15 says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." But what do you do when the time for weeping is the same as the time for dancing and are the rejoicers supposed to stop rejoicing to weep with the weepers or are the weepers supposed to stop weeping to rejoice with the rejoicers? I don't know. I think you just have to open yourself up to both emotions at once. I can honestly say that watching Rick and Windsor say their vows to each other, I was 100% happy for them, for their love and for their future while at the same time being 100% devastated that my mother wasn't there. Math majors may not understand but I was definitely 200% emotional.

They were some things that made it a little better though. She did get to come home from the hospital on Thursday and spend the weekend with a couple of my aunts and my grandma. Our good friend Zach, a real live filmer (sorry Zach, "filmer" probably isn't the right word but I don't know what is), taped the wedding and reception and send it live to my them to watch. An old family friend and neighbor was able to get the wedding details so they could copy them as much as possible. My mom was able to have a very similar dinner and cake and they even shipped some of the decorations out to her. And it was easier knowing she was watching. When we went up all the way to the altar, I saw the camera there and it was natural to smile then. And later at the reception, they had it set up both ways so we could say hi and wave to them and see them waving back. I am so grateful for the hard work people put in to make that happen, it really did mean so much to us all.

Prayer Request

Things with Lucy are still going well and I wish I could say my life in general is too, but the truth is, it's not.

My parents and little brother came to town last weekend with the plan that my mom was going to stay here with me this week and help out. But over the weekend her hand and face starting going numb. A trip to the local ER showed that it wasn't a stroke but something showed up on the CAT scan they did. She cut her trip short to go home and have more tests done and it turns out she has an brain tumor. Right now we are still waiting to get more results but her symptoms are getting worse and they are saying it is not operable. The next few days should bring a biopsy, its results and hopefully a plan for chemo/radiation but that is about all I know.

Right now I think my whole family is a bit shell shocked since this is all happening so fast. I feel like I've experienced almost every emotion possible these last few days and I don't really know what to think or feel. But the one thing we do know is that God is in control. He knows her situation when we do not and He loves her more than we do, even though I'm not sure my family knows how that is possible because we love her a lot!

Today is her biopsy which is also brain surgery so we will be praying that it goes smoothly and her recovery goes well. We would love it if you would be praying, too.

Shockingly Busy

I was reading a blog awhile back and there was a post about being busy. It referenced an article or sermon by a minister who basically stated that if you were single, you weren't busy and should be doing more for the kingdom of God. Of course, most of the commenters were single people and most of them took offense at that statement.

I can see why too. If you took a closer look at the minister, it become obvious that he had a heart for singles ministry and was attempting to guide them but the way certain phrases were said to begin with and then taken out of the full context in the article made it seem a bit harsh.

But I think there was more to it than that. We as a culture have seemed to equate busyness with importance. We may not say it in words but how often do our actions say "I am busy and stressed and therefore I must be important". I do not exclude myself from this at all (Hello! Do you remember Friday's post?). So when he said that singles weren't busy, many took that to mean that they weren't valuable when in fact I believe he was trying to say the opposite. They are very important, if they are doing the right things with their time. I am a big fan of marriage but ones singles years can be devoted to God's purposes in a way that no other time of life can be.

Looking back on my years in college, I thought I was super busy. And in some ways I was - I was taking tons of classes so I could graduate in less than 4 years, I worked part time, I was in leadership positions in a Christian Sorority, I was very involved with my church, I was planning a wedding. I thought I had a lot on my plate, but now I know that I wasn't really busy. My job was flexible. So was my study time. If I needed a "personal day" I could pretty much just take it. My life was my own....and I didn't always use it wisely. Yes, all those things listed above look like nice Christian things to do and some of them were very important, some were not as much. There were too many times when I said to myself, I'll do that later, when my life is less crazy.

Then I graduated and got married and realized I was more busy than I was before. My list had less activities on it but they were more important and took a lot more time. I had to work harder to fit things into my life. So when I read that article, I wished I was back in college, I knew I needed it back then. I realized I needed to be less worried about being "busy" and more worried about being intentional. I just looked up busy/busyness in the dictionary to see if I was spelling busyness right (I am but it still bothers me that there is a y in the middle like that) and noticed that one of the definitions is "full of distracting detail." How true is that. When I fill my life with busyness, I often get distracted by details and pulled from the things that God is calling me to do.

Now I'm realizing that I did it again. Opportunities for certain ministries are going away, at least for a while. I was sitting in church a while back and they mentioned a mission trip. I remember thinking how I had always wanted to do something like that and how I should look into it. And I realized I couldn't. It wasn't at all feasible for this time of my life.

There is a certain organization/ministry that I have felt called to volunteer with for a while now. In college I wanted to but convinced myself I was too busy and I didn't have a car so it wasn't the right time. Then I got a car but I only had a few semesters left and was trying to plan a wedding, it wasn't the right time. Then I moved to Utah and I even saw an advertisement in the paper asking for volunteers....but it wasn't the right time, or at least that is what I told Craig when he asked me about it, knowing I had been interested before. Then some things happened in my life and it truly wasn't the right time, it would have been unwise of me to work there.

And it hit me - I had said no to God. He had clearly told me this is what he wanted me to do, I didn't do it and it is too late to go back now. I'm like the Israelites, I made the wrong decision when God told me where to go. Once God had said "start wandering" they couldn't just change there mind and enter the promised land. They tried that, it didn't work so well. I can still contribute to that organization financially or through smaller ways but it will be at least a few years before I may even be at the point where I can donate my time the way I had originally hoped to.

I don't want this to seem like a "poor me" post because that is not at all how I mean it. I know that life is full of seasons and I am moving into a new one that will bring new opportunities and ministries and I am excited about that. I want to be fully present for what God is calling me to do today, not worrying about the past.

But neither do I want to miss the lesson. It hurts me to know that there were things I could have been doing to further the kingdom of God that I didn't do because of my laziness or false busyness. I want to move forward and be more intentional with my time. It's going to take me a while to figure out just how to be scheduled and organized enough that I am intentional using my time wisely, but not allowing myself to get caught up with feeling busy and important but I'll keep trying.

To end this, I think I'll leave you with a little song.

How the Pro-Choice Movement Saved America: Freedom, Politics and the War on Sex. A review.

If you have been reading this blog for more than 5 minutes, you may be wondering to yourself why I would pick up this book in this first place. Why would a half of a blond republican couple, a Jesus-loving conservative Christian, want to read a book written by Cristina Page, vice president of NARAL Pro-choice New York and former executive director of NOW-NYC? Why would she even care what she has to say?

Well, critical thinking for one. It's always a nice brain exercise to read a well-footnoted book with exactly the opposite ideas as one's own. It really gets your brain thinking about exactly why and how they are completely wrong about what they are saying. Second, I wanted to understand where the "other side" is coming from. It's not enough to know that they are pro-choice, I wanted to know why.

In the first sense it failed because in order to logically argue, I think you have to start with at least one or two points on which you agree. The only thing Page and I agreed on was her preface. In it she gives a brief summary of how she came to understand the pro-life movement's ideology. She started out talking about her search for "common ground" in both side's spoken agreement with the idea of reducing the need for abortions and ended with her realization that there isn't any common ground because when discussing pro-choice versus pro-life, we aren't just talking about two different movements but two different agendas based on two very different sets of values. And that is about all we agree on - the fact that we can't and won't ever agree because we aren't starting off at the same place.

She spends the rest of the book oscillating between "revealing" the secrets about how pro-lifers think and taking illogical leaps with them. It was odd, the way she stated some things made it clear she thought it would seem unimaginable to the reader, as if she really wanted to follow every fact she stated with "Can you believe they think that way?" or even more so "Can you believe they admit to thinking that way?"

Many of her readers might actually have been astounded at what she said. About 50% of the time, I could easily believe that is how pro-lifers thinking because well, it's how I think. The other 50% of the time, I too was astounded - at how she took point A and got to point B. Such as, I don't think abortions should be legal, therefore I am against sex and think it is disgusting.

That second part was interesting too because in expanding on those beliefs and describing what they would mean to society if left unopposed, she revealed her way of thinking very clearly. And, much the same way she was shocked that pro-lifers would reveal their true feelings, I was almost shocked she would reveal hers. I suppose that again comes from our different sets of values. She doesn't feel the need to hide her delight in how, because of the pill, "Sex no longer had to be packaged with commitment devices..." anymore than I feel the need to hide my sadness in that fact.

So in the end, it failed at my second goal too because I realized I did understand how the far left pro-choicers thought all along. It was hard for me to completely grasp because it's based on values I won't ever be able to comprehend but I really knew it the whole time. What I really want to understand is what pro-choice Christians think. Because they should have the same values and foundation as me but they end up with the same outcome and belief as them, and to be honest, I just don't see how they do it. My initial thoughts on the subject would not put them in a good light but I'm willing to try and understand their reasoning. If anyone has any books on that subject, I would be interested.

That is were I probably should end this post, but I can't. I just have to point on the few stupid things I noticed while reading the book. Those statements that were almost laughable. I say almost, because the topic is just to sad for any real LOL moments, but these were close nonetheless. I'll limit myself to just two, although I could probably go on all day.

1) One of my favorite paragraphs:

Increased access to and use of modern contraception can lead to dramatic improvements in infant and maternal survival rates. In Finland, one country in which contraception is inculcated in the culture, 75% of women use birth control. In Finland, the life time risk of a mother dying in childbirth is 1 in 8,200 and 4 our of 1,000 Finnish infants do not make it to their first birthday. Compare this to Niger where 4 % of women use birth control. In that African country, 1 in 7 mothers die in childbirth, and 156 of 1,000 infants die before reaching age one.

Somehow I think there might be some other differences in those countries that are influencing those mortality rates.

2) She also brings up those wanting to spread information about how condoms don't protect against HPV (by requiring labels that state that fact), labels them the "anti-condom brigade," and dismisses their arguments because while "The HPV virus is common and worrisome...it is usually harmless. Most often, the human body defends itself from HPV and it disappears with no ill effects." Plus those strains that do cause problems can "usually be treated". She goes on to say that "just having one of those strains doesn't mean you'll get cervical cancer" and "cervical cancer in relatively rare" and "is actually on the decline in the United States" and is "highly preventable if detected early, which is what a Pap smear does". Interestingly, this book was written while the vaccine was still in trial periods so it is only briefly mentioned later in the book with the statement that it has the potential to be the "biggest vaccine ever." So is HPV a problem so big that it's vaccine's effect would surpass that of the smallpox or polio vaccines or is it a relatively insignificant problem that we needn't bother about? At the time, Page couldn't seem to make up her mind, although I'm pretty sure she wouldn't so vehemently dismiss HPV if the book was written today. I can't even go to the doctor without being offered a disposable MP3 player that will tell me all the dangers of the HPV virus and the benefits of the vaccine. Perhaps when talking about movements manipulating science, she should take the plank out of her own eye.

I will praise You in this storm

Hello, hello, I feel like I haven't written in forever. I've written stuff, but not really about me. These past few weeks I've just been being. Not doing anything crazy, no travels or fun plans, just being. I was actually dreaded these weeks because I had nothing much going on and I was anxiously waiting for some things this upcoming week to happen so of course I knew the time would just drag on. Silly me, God had plans for these weeks.

I've been on a bit of reading kick and have spent most nights reading, not even turning on the tv or internet and only keeping up with emails/blog stuff during my lunch breaks. It's been great, except when Craig calls and I realize it is almost 9 and I still haven't eaten dinner. Not very healthy for my body, but it allowed my mind to be calm and quite and willing to listen.

I've also had some great fellowship time lately. I was in a women's bible study/book club over the summer and we finished up last week. Even though I know I'll see the girls every week at church and homegroup, it makes me sad that it is over because it was such a great time every week to talk and encourage one another. After we said goodbye, I just sat and thought about how great my God is that he always knows the friends you will need and puts them in your life at just the right times. We all have our own personalities and problems we are struggling with, but when we come together, we have the same spirit in us and God's truth's always seem to pour out. It's amazing.

Thursday night due to retreats, graduations and new babies coming into the world, our home group was small, just five of us. So nobody bothered to put together any "real plans" except to gather and worship. Well, nobody except God. We ate cookies (cookie make everything better, don't you think?) sang some worships songs and old hymns and talked about the scriptures we had been reading lately which turned into some odd theological discussion but it was just perfect. It felt like how I imagine the original church would have been like, except with air conditioning. Because I knew everyone there, I knew when we sang those songs that we all needed the truth in those lines and it was a powerful sense of community but at the same time, I knew that those words were also for meant just for me, as one person in a relationship with the one true God and it was very private. I can't explain it any more than to say - if you don't have a small group of Christians you regular spend time with that you worship with and pray with and know you can depend on, find some! Pray for them, search a community group out in your church, start a group yourself, do what it takes. God uses those people in my life all the time.

It struck me when I was leaving that time that the things I had shared things that week were the same things I had been telling myself for a few months now. But sometimes you sing songs or quote scripture or even just mediate on statements with yourself and you know it but you don't really feel it or believe it. But this time, when I was sharing it, I had faith, I knew it was true. And to be honest, I wasn't sure if I would ever get to that point.

For several reasons that I won't get into here, these past few months have been tough on me and there were weeks when I knew I was just going through the motions of living life. And I didn't want to live like that and I was angry, I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was and be peaceful (not that everything was perfect 6 months ago, it never is, but of course I had forgotten all but the best parts :-) Then I relented, obviously God was trying to teach me something so I tried to be good and just let him so we could get this whole potter shapping clay thing over with. But I didn't like it, it was uncomfortable, even painful, and I didn't feel like myself and I just wanted to get it over with. And I told Him that, that was all I had at the moment, obedience. You want me here God, I'll be here, but that is all I can do. I can't praise you here, I can't see the good here, but I'm here.

And slowly it has been getting better. This week I said things like "I know He has a purpose" and "I wouldn't give my trials back if I had to give back what He has taught me" and it struck me that I believed that now It wasn't just words. He has been drawing me to him and shaping me and I didn't even realize it until this past week, but parts of me that were broken so badly that I didn't think they could be mended, are now being mended. Not back to the way they were, God is still working on me and it will probably be a two steps forward, one step back process but it's happening and it will continue. And they will always be a scar there, the circumstances and relationships of that hurt are now a part of who I am and that will always be the case, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I feel like me again, but a better me, a me that looks more like Him.

The circumstances were not good. But God is. And now I can praise him for that time, for those struggles, for what I lost because before He took it away, He gave it to me, even for just a little while, it was gift from Him, just as the trials were. And the funny thing is, my circumstances haven't changed, I'm still waiting on Him, hoping in His promises for the future, but I do have His peace now and that makes all the difference. It really does surpasses all understanding.

This post may not make sense to you and that's fine, I wrote it more for me than to be read but I still want to post it because if you feel like I did before, like you're barely holding on and it isn't getting any better, like the storm just keeps coming and doesn't show signs of stopping, hold on. The rainbow is coming. He promises. And someday, even if it isn't today because today you are still just working at being present, before you can even think about praising, someday you will be able to sing this, as I am right now.


Here are the lyrics if you don't want to watch.

Praise You In This Storm
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I want my inheritance!

I just wrote a comment about how I don't feel guilty, only convicted. Well, I lied.

Not intentionally, but in writing that, I was referring to food/nutrition situations. And in that case it is true. I realize that for the most part, what I eat isn't a sin issue. And if I come to the conclusion that something needs to change, I can understand how it doesn't matter how much I think about the past, I can't change it. I just move forward, making changes as I can.

But when it comes to my faith walk, I am not very good about differentiating between guilt and conviction at all. And I need to be because one is good and the other is not. In theory I know the difference. I can even describe it for you.

Guilt that leads to condemnation is depressing. It brings you down. It's past-focused. It's also sinful because it's self-centered. I'm not thinking about how God took away my sin or has the ability to "renew a right spirit within me." but instead have started focusing on what I did wrong or how I messed up or worse - how I appear to others. For that to logically hold water it has to start from the idea that I could have done anything better. As a Christian, the fact that I continually fail at living out God's perfect will should not be shocking or depressing. It should be obvious. I should know that apart from God, I never stood a chance. But if I only feel guilty over my own self's lack of goodness, I must have been thinking there was something good in there to begin with. Guilt is focused on the sin (what I did) and not the forgiveness (what God did) and it doesn't lead to any changes.

Conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit, it brings to light areas that I still need to let God have control over, to let him into them so he can mold me into his image. It's honest sorrow over sin and it opens me up to ask God to restore me and to use me to glorify Him. That type of guilt, what I call conviction, is God-focused and God-glorifying. It comes from the idea that yes, I failed at ____ because I am human and sinful. It doesn't excuse it, it doesn't mean that it's not a big deal. It just means that it has to be God that fixes it. And until he does, I can boast in His glory and my weakness. God's power is made perfect in my weakness. I'm not perfect, but He loves me. I mess up, but He forgives.

Most people would say they don't like feeling guilty and on the surface I don't either. Except for the part of me that does. It means I can go on doing what I am doing without actually having to change, but I can still feel like I'm a good person because "at least I feel guilty." I don't even like to admit that to myself but it is true. Guilt is hard to give up, so I cling to it even knowing that is is dragging me down when what I really need is conviction.

But the thing with conviction is - it means a loss of control. Real conviction, turning those things over to God, that is freedom. But it comes at a cost. I've given them up, those issues, those sins, now they belong to God. And if I have really given them to God, he is probably going to start working on them. Like Aslan removing Eustace's scales - it might be painful but it is good.

I really like this little worship song:

Lord prepare me
to be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true

But I like to think about that song at the end result. Yes, I want to be a sanctuary. I want to be tried and true. But that isn't how it goes.

That song is asking to be prepared. It's talking about verbs, not nouns. Well, I don't always want that, I don't want to be prepared to be a sanctuary, I just want to be one. I want to be tried and true without having to go through trials, refined with out having to go through a fire. I just want to be a great Christian without God having to go through all that work shaping me into one.

I've been struggling with this lately, especially in the area of meekness. One of the Christian radio programs I listen to has been focusing on being meek. At first I wasn't really interested but then she started describing what meekness, and a lack of it, looked like. And I realized her description of meek didn't fit me very well.

Swift to hear, slow to speak? Peaceable? Gentle? I don't really think I am.

Unperturbed and unruffled? Composed? I don't think most people would describe me like that.

Hurried? Harsh? That sounds more like it. But oh wait, that is in the lacking meekness category.

Exorbitant passion? Ouch, that touched a nerve.

There are so many aspects to meekness but it hit me that in each of the two or three main areas where I feel like I am struggling, it all comes back to having (or not having as the case may be) a meek spirit. And as the first few days of the program went by, I just kept feeling worse and worse. Yes, I get it God, I'm not meek. I'm convicted.

Then several situations arose and my response was, you guessed it - not very meek. But I didn't mean to be like that. It's just I can be passionate and going at full speed and I have a type A personality.Or I'm a stressed person, that's not my fault. Or at least that is what I told myself, but I still felt bad and "Agghh, I was so mad at myself. Maybe I should just give up blogging and this and that and all these circumstances where I tend to act a certain way.

But then I realized, I wasn't acting convicted. I was acting guilty. It wasn't the situations that needed to change, it was my heart. And while I was going around annoyed at myself for
acting a certain way, I wasn't asking God to change me, or asking him to give me a meek spirit, not asking for forgiveness from those my harsh responses might have offended or my hasty actions impacted. And you know what that indicated to me - I lacked meekness (I told you, it all comes back to meekness). So in a way, I'm back to square one. But this time, I'm not going to "feel bad" about it, I'm just going to ask God to change it. Because I want my inheritance.

Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

Weary

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9

That is my verse for the first part of June. I haven't been talking about them all but I felt the need to delve into this one a bit more.

I didn't know what verse to pick when I went to Beth's post but I thought I would read through some of the comments and see if one spoke to me (to be honest, that is how I pick my verses most of the time, that sounds really lazy of me but the other woman always have great verses!)This was the very first verse and I knew it was for me.

Weary. Doesn't everyone have seasons in life where they just feel weary. I'm in one right now. It's tempting to just want to take a nap from life, to pull the proverbial golden string, waking up six months from now with all my problems sorted out. But that won't work. Not only because I'm not a bear so hibernation poses some physical problems, but because I know God wants me right here right now in the very place that he put me. And I know He put me here.

Sometimes you get weary because you are dealing with consequences of your sins. And sometimes you get weary because you are dealing with the consequences of other people's sins. You're somewhere you were never meant to be and you just want out. Well, God can use your weariness to bring you back to him so that you let him get you out.

But other times, you aren't in a bad place because anyone (you or someone else) put you there, your just there, weary, because life is hard. That is what I am in right now. I know I am doing good. I don't mean I'm perfect, but I know that there are a couple things weighing me down right now and in all of those circumstances, I am right with God. I know my heart is with His, I know that I am, at least for this very second, in His will.

Other's may see me and think, well "she's just not doing this, or that is why this is working out, or "she just needs to be content with her circumstances" but I know that God knows the real me and that the real me is "doing good". I'm like Job, wondering where his blessing went and why he isn't reaping the rewards he might have thought were coming.

And to be honest, sometimes I just want to be a toddler and yell "It's not fair" and "but, why!" and sit on my butt and throw a temper tantrum until I get what I want.

But then Holy Spirit kicks in and I remember what I know:

I know that He is God.

I know that I am not.

I know that He loves me and wants the best for me.

I know that He has a plan.

I know that while he invites me to talk to him about anything or even to cry out to him and ask him why, it really isn't my place to have to know why. If he chooses to tell me, now or sometime in the future, what his reasons for all this is, that would be great, if not, that will have to do.

I know that I will eventually reap a harvest. I don't want to be obedient to God because I think I get something out of it but to a certain extant, we as humans can't help that. But the reward I am working for shouldn't be earthly, it needs to be heavenly.

And I love how this verse doesn't say "Don't be weary - because that means you are discontent" or "Don't be weary - because that means you aren't trusting God," no, it's an encouragement, "Don't be weary - God's got something good for you if you can just hang on!"

So for now, I'll be waiting.

Digging up my Stones - part 2

So there I was, trying to think of what Ebenezer stones I had, when just a few days later I received a box in the mail. It was my first album from Shutterfly.

Now I started digital scrapbooking over a year ago and can not even count the hours* I have spent making pages from the first summer after we were married until the end of 2008. But I hadn't ever developed the album. After I got it finished and uploaded to Shutterfly, I saw how expensive it was going to be to get in printed, so I waited, and waited, and waited. And finally, Mother's day came up and Shutterfly offered a great discount plus free shipping so I did it. And I love it! I was afraid the colors wouldn't print "true" but they look great and the whole thing is so much thinner than a traditional scrapbook that I can easily keep it on our coffee table. But it is more than a collection of picture. Looking through it with Craig, I realized that this is an Ebenezer stone.

It shows how God has been helping us these first few years. I'm not talking about how His provisions have allowed us to go on trips or do neat things, although I am thankful for that. It's more the intangible elements that I see in that album - from the very first page (of our first 4th of July picnic, which happens to be first tradition we started together) it shows the time line of our life together with the struggles and the blessings we have had. Basically, what it took for us to go from two people to a family. And what it took was God. I know that my marriage is a result of God's hand in our lives. And looking at those pages, I can be reminded of all the hard work he has put into it.

Another Ebenezer stone I have is a bracelet. I'm not a big jewelry gal but I really like this piece. I made it last summer with two girlfriends just a few days before we headed out of Utah. It represented the end of a season where God was working hard in my life (not that he isn't now, but that was just an extremely intense time). Looking back, I can see that he was preparing me for something, getting certain truths into my head that He knew I would need later. But at the time, I was just trying to process it all. We made those bracelets deliberately to ensure that we would remember those lessons and keep them close. It worked. I don't wear it all the time, but everytime I see it lying on my dresser, I say to myself "I'm believing God" and on really hard days I put it on, so I can keep remembering that the whole day.

Do you have any Ebenezer stones?

** I decided I wanted to try. I would say a typical page takes me 2 hours, not counting the time I spend editing pictures (which is a lot) or looking for free elements online (I rarely pay for elements because there is so much good stuff out there if you can find it). Some pages take a little less, and some take a whole lots more - like when I get an idea for a perfect page element that no one seems to have! (Maker's mark font complete with red dripping wax?) Considering I have made 46 pages that is at least 92 hours directly making pages. Crazy! But totally worth it)

Digging up my Stones - Part 1

During one of the sessions of the couple retreat we went on a few weeks ago, the speaker, in passing, asked everyone if they to remember the "Ebenezer stones"they had for their marriage - but he didn't stop to explain what that was (I think everyone else there had done a study with him that had brought it up or maybe the minister mentioned it in a sermon, since they all seemed to know exactly what he was talking about). Craig looked at me and I looked at him and we gave each other a look - the "we have to google that later" look.

But thinking about it, I did kinda-sorta remember learning about that concept, somewhere -and how it related to the "Come thou font" hymn - and not the Christmas story. But I wanted to revive those memories and this is what I found:

It comes from 1 Samuel 7:12-14, when Samuel set up a large stone as a monument so they would remember how God helped the Israelites subdue the Philistines. Ebenezer means - stone of help. I love that!

That jogged my memory of a women's bible study* I did a few years back about stones that the Israelites would put up as reminders of God's work in their lives. The 12 stones put up after they crossed the Jordan were the example in that case.** And we aren't talking little stone here, they guys were big. Think people sized rocks, like the smaller stonehenge rocks.

When God worked in the Israelites lives, they wanted to remember, not just for a few week, a few years or even their lifetime. They wanted that testimony to stick around for a long time so that when their kids' kids were running around they would notice those big rocks and ask "Hey, dad, what's the deal with that big rock?" And the parents would know the story, they would remember how God helped His people.

I want to be like that. God has worked in so many ways throughout my life, He has helped me and taught me and changed who I am. Thinking big, I want to remember His help, I want to be able to tell my kids about how He has impacted my life. But even before that, I want to remember those lessons myself.

At first, I couldn't really think of any Ebenezer stones I had, but slowly I have come up with a couple that I thought I could share with you...next time.

* That The World May Know. It's an excellent video bible study that shows places in the Bible and explains their significants. It would be really good for history/geography oriented people.

**Those were just called Standing stones so I might be mixing concepts. I know we have at least a few trained bible people that read this blog, any info for me? Is the Ebenezer a type of Standing stone, the same thing, or something totally unrelated that makes this whole post nonsensical?

To Rachel - Or the post where I just can't leave well enough alone.

This started as a comment on Rachel's post "Gay Marriage" but grew really big so I am posting it here. Be sure to go back to her post to follow the discussion.

Rachel,

I will state right now that I am going to use the Bible as the basis for my arguments. You will probably bring up separation of church and state and how we aren't a Christian nation and yes, that is true. But the people in our society, many of which are Christians, do get to decide what is a cultural norm. No, we don't get to infringe upon others rights but marriage is not a right. I don't have the right to marry whom every I want. I can't marry more than one person. I can't marry my brother. Why? Because we as a society don't think it is in the best interest of our society.

Marriage is a way society promotes what they want to be the norm. And I think you must agree with that because you realize it isn't just about legal/monetary rights because civil unions do that. But civil unions don't get you normalization. Marriage does. And I have absolutely no problem with society as a whole deciding what it wants to promote and encourage and what it does not.

But on to your first point, it's really the only one I am specifically going to address because this comment is already going to be ginormous.

You said, "Gay people are not a problem". I agree, sort of. They are a problem, but not any more that any other sinner is.

So right off the bat we disagree. I do think living a homosexual lifestyle is a sin. I believe that the entire Bible is the word of God and is completely true (I'm not clarifying that so much because I don't think you, Rachel, don't believe that, but because I know other "Christians" who
do not) so I do think those verses* clearly state that homosexuality is a sin and do apply today. But it isn't just those verses sprinkled here and there. It is that I can also see God's plan for marriage and human relations as a whole and how it is incompatible with homosexuality. People are not interchangeable. God made men and God made women. They are not the same. He also made them specifically in mind for marriage (man is not meant to be alone). That wasn't an accident. He made them for marriage with a plan, to highlight the gospel. I used to think about the comparison between the husband and wife and Jesus and the church to be a "kinda neat thing" Hmm, fancy that, they are similar, how neat. And then I would move on.

But once I got married, I really began to understand the example. Craig and I have different roles in our marriage, just as Christ and his Church have different roles in their relationship. They are not interchangeable, and neither are a husband and wife. And I realized I had the timelines all wrong. God didn't make man and woman and marriage, then have marriage exists for a couple thousand years, then once Jesus came around, God realized how similar the two relationships were. No!

God created marriage knowing that Jesus would be the ultimate husband, the head of the His church. As far as Christianity and God's plan - that is its purpose - to illustrate the gospel. And since God knew what he was doing, it is good in other ways, for the emotional and physical healthy of the couple, for the benefit of the children, for the stability of our society - all good stuff. But not the main goal. The main goal - to illustrate the gospel. In fact, that is our purpose as Christians - to illustrate the gospel. My entire life, everything I think, everything I do, should be about illustrating the gospel. It isn't because sanctification is a process and I am not perfect, but it should be.

So should I shun and despise divorcees? No!
Should I shun and despise fornicators? No!
Should I shun and despise homosexuals? No!

Should I despise divorce, fornication and homosexuality? Yes - because all those things undermine and tear apart the example that God has created of marriage as a representation of his Son's love for his church. They make a mockery of it.

I think some people hate to call homosexuality a sin because they don't think it is a choice. But I don't agree . You may think it is a crappy choice, a choice you wouldn't never want to make or ask anyone to make, a choice where all options are less than ideal. But it is a choice. And given the fallen and sinful state of mankind, it is not shocking that some people would want to sin in the that way. Some people are more disposed to pride, or to lust, or to gluttony. That doesn't mean those aren't sins.

Now I don't think we should chase after homosexuals yelling mean things at them anymore than I think we should do that to liars, thieves, adulterers, etc. Mostly because that would not illustrate the gospel to anyone, it would just make me look like a jerk. But neither am I willing to let homosexuality become acceptable in our society, any more so than I want lying, stealing, and adultery to become acceptable. Now people do have rights and they can choose to engage in behavior that I feel is immoral. I can't and wouldn't want to legally stop them. But the point of legalizing marriage is to make homosexuality normal and acceptable and I don't think it should be.

And if I truly believe that God loves me and every other individual on Earth (which I do) and that he has written the Bible as a plan for how I and every other person on earth should live our lives (which I do) and that the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin (which I do) - then I must think that his plan for our lives is the most loving and that if I or any other fellow man follow his plan, I will be eternally better off. The choices I make to live his plan may not always make me "feel" as good, they may not always make my life comfy and cozy and easy. But they are the best. So how can I think it is loving to encourage someone to do something contrary to God's plan? You think it would be unloving to ask a homosexual to abstain from marriage because they won't get the joy of marriage. But I don't want them to abstain from living God's plan because they will miss out on the joy of God's plan. And that is so much more than the whatever benefits they would get from marriage.

*1 Corinthians 6:8-9
Romans 1:26-27
1 Timothy 1:9-10
Jude 1:7

Untitled

Sometimes I feel okay again, and I rejoice in my savior. The life He has given me, the good things I still have.

Sometimes I feel okay again and I hate myself for it. Does it really not matter anymore?

Sometimes I know that in many ways, it will never be okay. And I'm mad, hurt, and inconsolable.

And sometimes I'm just too tired. Emotions are exhausting and I just go on living, knowing someday I will move on, but hoping I never forget.

Will work for food....and life.

Earlier this week we got an email from our home group leaders who were looking for volunteers to serve at a fundraising banquet for the Brazos Valley Coalition. Craig had softball scheduled for that night but I said I could help out. I didn't really know what I was signing up for but they said dinner was included so I figured, why not?

They didn't have many details but Wednesday afternoon when I received another email from the Coalition for life saying I needed black pants and a white shirt. Luckily for me, I happened to have both of those items. Unluckily for me, the blank pants had been sitting in my closet unworn for 2 years because they needed to be hemmed. So Wednesday night I frantically learned how to hem. And I had to do a good job because the only closet color thread I had was brown. At this point, I really wanted to just bail on the whole thing and go watch Craig's game. Especially since I still didn't really know what I would exactly I would be doing and I am a big fan of "a game plan."

But Thursday afternoon I received an email from another couple in our home group, sharing the news that their baby in the womb is a girl. Included was a couple clips of the ultrasound video. Just seeing that little one, still 5 months to go before she's born, moving and seeming to talk (or yawn, either way, her mouth was sure moving a lot), made me realize that this was important. I am passionately pro-life, but I feel like I don't get many opportunities to live that out in my life and this was my chance.

So I showed up and it was chaotic. They had all the servers, none of us professionals, assigned to colored zones according to a big chart on the wall. As we set out cake and drinks before the people arrived, we realized that while it was a nice idea, the chart wasn't correct. It has two many columns and not enough rows so some people were "fighting" over tables while other tables didn't have servers. Then they ran out of salad and people in plastic gloves were running around stealing lettuce leaves to scrape together a few more plates mere minutes before guests were let in.

But they were let in and ready or not, we took our places. Then a minister got up to say grace and the whole atmosphere in the room. Matthew 18:20 says where two or three are gathered, He is there with us. I realized that I was standing in a room with not just two or three people , but over 1500 people that wanted to make a difference in the lives of women and children in our community. 1500 people willing to take action. There were signs on some of the tables and you could see the different groups, denominations and organizations that were standing for the same thing. I think it hit a lot of us at once as the room just seemed to get calm. It was pretty powerful.

Somehow we manged to get food served to all 1500 people and then we hurried back to the kitchen to eat our food so we could go back to listen to the main speaker, Gov. Huckabee. His talk was pretty good but the statement that hit me the most was one I have heard before:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
The second chapter in one of Huckabee's books* is "Is there something about created equal that you don't understand?" I wonder.






*None of which I have read, so I'm not endorsing. They might be good, they might be bad, I have no way of knowing. He just mentioned the chapter title and I found it thought provoking.