Some Secrets

I'm reading a Max Lucado book called Just Like Jesus. The subtitle is "God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that." I could probably write a whole post about how awesome the thought behind that statement is, but I will refrain (everyone breath a sigh of relief now). The rest of the book is really good too.

The last chapter I read was about how about allowing God to be a part of every thought, not just every morning when you do a devotional and every night when you pray, but every moment and every thought and every decision. I will freely admit that I don't currently do that. I do know people that do, and I recognize the freedom that gives them and I've wanted it, desperately.

It was good realization though because here is my secret #1: I have a "blog crush" on Heather. It's been a little while since I recognized it but it wasn't till I was reading that chapter that I realized why I do - it's because even though I don't "know" her, I can see her relationship with God and how He is a part of her decisions. And that is what I want. It's not her plethora of insightful comments, her little green house with a front porch, or even her so-cute-I-want-to-eat-him-up new baby. It's her God.

What good news! He's my God too and unlike wanting other things, I'm not coveting when I want that. My having that relationship with Jesus doesn't take it away from her at all. He can be my best friend, and her best friend, and even your best friend - all at the same time.

And then I realized that I did have that, much more that I thought. These past few months, I've been really working on increasing my bible reading and memorization and prayer and all those "check off the list" things we Christians are supposed to do. But I knew that wouldn't be enough so maybe I wasn't really looking for a change, but suddenly, I do feel like Christ is sustaining me everyday and that He is a part of my everydays. Maybe not yet every moment, but definitely every day.

But I was right in that it wasn't because I was reading or praying or because I was doing anything at all, because I have done all that before. It was, and here is Secret #2, I asked Him to. For the last few months, I have been asking for an increase in my desire for God, my need to have fellowship with him, and overall my faith. I don't know why I didn't do that before because it seems so obvious but I didn't. (Don't even ask me what I was thinking, who knows?)

And he meet my need. And He used the bible and our conversations as a tube flowing with his Spirit flowing right into the vessel of my heart. And I love it. I don't think I have ever been more content than I have been these last few months.

But here is Secret #3, which is the biggest. I don't want to move.

Now, I loved Texas when I lived there before and I do think I will enjoy living there again. And I do think that is where God is calling us and I don't want to miss the plans He must have there. And I'm not worried about getting a job or finding new friends (or reconnecting with old ones) or anything like that. And right there, I should realize how God has changed my heart because my nature is to worry about all that stuff, and I'm not, at all, I promise.

I just don't like change and right now I don't want to rock the boat that is my life. My first few months of living in Logan and being married and being an adult were really hard. And I can will tell the truth and say that 82.5% of that was my fault (with perhaps 17% of that being the normal changes that come with first being married, and maybe 0.5% of that being Craig's fault). My attitude was not what it should have been and I was kinda selfish. But God has been patient and worked with me and now, things are great. Our marriage is great, my church community is great, my friendships are great, basically, my life is going great right now - emotionally, spiritually, physically, any other -ally that you can think of. And I am afraid that I will lose that, lose that closeness with God, that closeness with Craig, this life that I love.

I don't really need to worry about my faith or marriage because both God and Craig will be in Texas and I will be able to put my life back together there, I've done it a thousand times. I think somehow I have associated that great life with being in this apartment and attending this church and having this job, maybe even making this granola, I don't know. I know that it's not, it's a factor of letting God rule my life but somehow in my mind that all gets jumbled up.

I would like to say that now that I have realized that, I feel much better about moving. But I don't. I still feel all confused and worried and sulky. So right now, I am just going to keep going through the motions, believing God and knowing that, like it or not, I will be in Texas in less than a week.