Saying Goodbye

I'm sitting in my regular writing spot on the couch to write this but something is different. I normally have a soft warm fluffy cat taking up more than her fair share so I have to write with my arm all scrunched. I would gladly scrunch my arm tonight but tonight I have more room than I'd like because unfortunately, we had to put her down today.

What are doing to me? I don't like my picture taken, didn't you learn that even before you adopted me?!

If you're a very long time reader, you might remember when we first got Zeeba. Or even before that we fell in love with her (and we learned about her anti-photography stance) while volunteering.  We thought she was a boy then and she had a different name but she was just as friendly. And pretty. I know I'm biased but she really was a very pretty cat. She's even had her own post at least once.

Lucy gets a good morning greeting. 

We've known for a few months that the end was getting close but it was still harder than I expected and I'm a mess right now. She was my nap time companion and the only one other than Craig who attended all three of my births. And all three of those kids had kitty as one of their first words. She was a daily part of our lives for 10 years and I already miss her so much.

One last quiet time bible study session with my favorite study buddy. She's got her grumpy face on. Perhaps she wasn't a fan of what John was saying? 

I'm not the only one who is having a rough time. Jonah and Lucy are both feeling the loss but in vastly different ways. Jonah's just five and trying to understand it all and it comes out - blunt. But I also know he's hurting inside. And oh my poor Lucy. She's so tender-hearted and is old enough to really get it so this is her first major loss like that. We had a few days notice and I knew she'd do better with some processing time and she and I have had some good discussions together as we both prepared. It's been such a good reminder of what a privilege it is to be given these three blessings to raise. Good but really hard.

I've had at least my fair share of grieving in my life so far. I don't know what awaits them but I know I can't shield them from loss no matter how hard I try. I can't shield them, but I can equip them. So we talked - about death and sin and its impact on the world, about how are feelings aren't bad and its okay to be sad and okay to cry and okay to be distracted and go play with our friends and okay to come back and be sad again. About how feelings can't always be trusted either. We didn't want to say goodbye to Zeeba yet and our feelings said to keep her with us but we couldn't trust that, we had a responsibility to her and not just ourselves. And we don't just talk, we grieve and do life together. We all said goodbye together. Lucy helped me put away Zeeba's cat tree and bowls. Jonah helped Craig dig her grave. I use the word "help" quite loosely but he was there and he got dirty so it counts. We all buried her together and said a prayer thanking God for giving her to us. It's been a hard week but you can't get all that from a character traits curriculum.

I'm pretty sure she's thinking "Ah, Chin rubs from one of my human slaves. This is the life."

Jonah asked if we could get another cat. Lucy's gone from never wanting to get another pet ever to changing her mind and then changing her mind again. And that's all okay. I feel the same way. Everytime I've said goodbye to a pet, I wonder why I do it. But I do know. Because Zeeba brought us joy for a decade. And in her passing, she's brought us growth. And it was worth it.

Zeeba, you were worth it. You were loved and we will miss you.